a grief subversed
I’m pathetic. I think that’s all that’s all there is to it. It’s been two months and i still grieve. But today i was faced with the fact, that my dog, Vern, is not coming home. That is a great loss to me. Enough of a loss that it has kept me from my sleep tonight.
I think of the times i loss my temper at him, them immediately was overrun by guilt as he looked at me with such sorrow for disappointing me. I regret ever getting frustrated when i was trying to find a place for him to stay when i wanted to go out of town. I wish that i had enjoyed my morning walks with him more, and not done them out of a sense of duty. I wish i had taken him on more adventures. He truely loved a good adventure. I regret the times i thought that it would be convenient to not have a dog. This is not convenient – this is pain.
Those who knew Vern, I’m sure have experienced their fair share of frustrations and joys. My former roommates endured him with great Patience. Vern loved to eat loaves of bread, remove check books from secure locations, eat whatever was at nose height (or even a bit higher if he was sure a clear get-away), pooped on Kris’ shirt, disassembled a doorway, and dug holes. This list is far from complete of Vern’s troubling behavior. The stories go on and on of his transgressions.
But there was the other side to Vern that not many people could resist. He was the most loyal creature with four legs. he would lay by your side no matter what happened. He had a heart that makes mine seem hard a shriveled. He could love any person and any creature. He could wrestle with pups and even get arthritis stricken mature dogs to get up and dance a bit. He was always happy to see whoever came home. Vern gave some of the greatest hugs known to man. But most of all Vernon was a friend.
Just a dog i tell my self – he’s just a dog. Vern and i spent about three years as roommates – and bed mates. He slept on my bed every night, or he cried all night. i would spend long periods of time at night talking to him, and he listened faithfully and stayed awake till i had said my last word. He loved to watch Seinfeld in bed with me – as soon as the theme music would start he would rush to the bed and settle himself into the blankets and nothing could distract him from the screen.
Vern loved the car, no matter where it was going he loved to go. Standing in the center divider staring out the windshield and checking the side-view mirrors occasionally. Vern loved to go to NAU and into IHD. Vern loved to go to Downy Park and knew the moment i turned off Route 66 that we were going to my parents house and was filled with energy that was unexplainable. Vern loved his cousin Abby in Phoenix, they could play and swim until they were both to tiered to stand up.
I miss him so much. I wish he were laying next to me with his head on my lap as i know he would be doing right now. I wish i had to feed him tonight. I wish i had to kick him off the bed tonight. I wish he could go camping with me this weekend. I wish he would chew my blinds. I wish he would steal my muffins. I wish his snot was on my car window. i wish i could see him jump and play in the tall grass, and show off his speed.
Loss is something i don’t handle well when it comes to friends. I hide my grief and try and pretend it’s ok. But then there are nights like tonight that i just am filled with pain. He’s just a dog-i know. But is it wrong to grieve the loss of a dog? am i just to sensitive? Am i a baby? He’s not human – i know. But he was God’s creation. And i know God brought him to me at a time i needed him most, and now he’s gone and i don’t know how to handle that.
I miss Vernon Jackson Bauerle….and he was just a dog